If someone wants to help you, you accept… It’s okay if you just receive. Just say thank you and accept. Then later, when you are able to give back, give a lot to other people. You do that [in life]. from the Kdrama, Cheer Up
“Do you have a hard time accepting compliments?”
A newer acquaintance asked me that the other day after I made some protesting noise about something nice she’d said about me. I can’t actually remember what it was. That I had a very creative imagination. Or maybe I was good at making people feel welcome.
It brought me up short. After a brief pause, I nodded and said, “Yes, I guess I do.”
It’s not just compliments I struggle to accept. It’s unexpected or “excessive” gifts. And help.
I was brought up to believe self-sufficiency is not just very important, but a character trait to emulate. Like Do Haei, the working-class college student in the Kdrama, Cheer Up, it’s always been important and necessary to make my own way in life. I too was a working-class college student who paid her own way through school.
“Just say thank you and accept.”
I think many of us have difficulty accepting compliments. Especially if you’re a perfectionist. Sure, I might have a creative imagination, but look at all those New York Times bestselling authors. And truthfully, I’m not really a hospitable person—I hate cleaning the house for company! But Poo-poohing a sincere compliment can make the one giving the compliment feel diminished. So, I’ve been working on accepting compliments graciously. Just say thanks. That’s not too hard. I can practice.
But what about the other situations – unexpected or excessive gifts. I can be downright ungracious in those situations. The first time my husband brought me roses (and pretty much the last time), I had a near meltdown. They were so expensive. And it was a time when we were pinching every penny. Yes, it was an anniversary. But what was wrong with a bouquet of carnations? Or an artificial philodendron I didn’t have to water?
I was a very ungracious recipient of a very lovely gift. I’m sure a lot of other wives would have smacked me upside the head for my attitude. He does still surprise me with a pretty potted plant from the grocery store. And yes, I graciously accept his weekly gift of doing the grocery shopping!
But receiving help, especially financial assistance, that’s the most difficult of all to do graciously. Especially if you haven’t asked for it. Asking for financial help…that’s a whole different Kdrama blog.
In the story of Cheer Up, Do Haei’s mother is hospitalized and the already overworked college student has to find a way to pay the medical bills. She’s seriously contemplating dropping out of college. She’s a member of the college’s co-ed competitive cheerleading squad. In South Korea, cheerleading squads are more like dance crews and compete on stage rather than perform at sports events. Her fellow cheer members host a fundraising event for the club at a local pub owned by a former cheer member. When the pub owner, Bae Yeong-ung, gives her an envelope of money at the end of the evening, he says, “It’s the profit from today’s one-day pub event. Everyone wanted to help out a little bit with your mom’s hospital bill. So I put a little bit more with what they earned.”
Do Haei protests vigorously. That’s when he tells her “It’s okay if you just receive.” And to worry about paying back later by helping other people.
Just receiving is hard.
That’s something I learned nearly thirty years ago. My husband had gone back to college to get a degree in education. He was at the college gym between classes and suddenly collapsed. It was a President’s Day and I was working in the county government social services office where I had just started a three-month stint filling in for my boss who was on maternity leave. My 16-year-old son called with news that my husband was in the critical care unit at the local hospital.
He’d had a brain hemorrhage. Luckily the bleeding stopped just at the point of serious damage. He was in critical care for ten days and then another few days in a regular room. The next months were very difficult, emotionally and financially. I was fortunate to have very good family health insurance. After a series of procedures, he had brain surgery.
One day after church, the pastor stopped me with an envelope of money. “Some people wanted to help out,” he said. I protested vigorously. That’s when he said, “I know it’s difficult to accept help. But consider this. When you accept help graciously, you are giving others the opportunity to be generous. Sometime in the future when you are able, be generous with your time or money with someone else who needs it.”
I tried very hard to take in that lesson.
The message in Cheer Up is a very good reminder: “It’s okay if you just receive… Then later when you are able to give back, give a lot to other people.”
So try to remember to receive compliments, gifts, and help graciously.
It’s a gift to the giver.
Your turn to get philosophical. Talk about the following question with a friend or contemplate it in a journal: When is a time that you were able to receive graciously?
